Just Pretending
by FrozenStrawberries
Summary: Tonks is failing to come to terms with her inability to morph, war, grief, and the fact that Remus has gone. So she takes up pretending, just for one night a month. ONESHOT RL/NT and Sirius as a ghostly spectre


**A/N: For anyone reading my other series, I will be continuing them, I just have a sever case of writers block, so any ideas are welcome! Also, I just can't get Tonks/Remus pairings out of my head. I hope you had a good christmas and new year :)**

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Another day. She got up, went to work, and came home. She burnt her dinner, and scalded her tongue on her too-hot coffee. She never drunk tea anymore. Not since those late nights sobering up in a dusty old kitchen. Even the smell reminded her of those two old friends. She would not think of them, because thinking made her dwell on the memories, and dwelling on the memories made it harder to keep going.

She left for Order duty at nine, and tumbled into bed at two, exhausted, faithless, and just the tiniest bit scared. But she would never admit it.

Another day. She had an owl which told her about an Order meeting that night. The Burrow was the safest place they had now. It was the only place they had now.

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"Tonks dear, so glad you arrived safely." Doting Molly hustled her inside, glancing cautiously behind her before shutting the door with a little too much force. They were all on edge.

She had arrived as late as possible to avoid the 'howdeedo' dance. She held her head high when she slid into a seat next to Dung, and she avoided any sympathetic gazes. Kingsley had told them then. It stung. Had she not passed the same tests as everyone else? Had she not proved herself to be a strong strategic thinker as well as a brilliant field agent? There was more to her than her morphing. They would do well to remember who she was. Her Black blood fired in her veins. She was no one trick pony.

Determined to be on the ball tonight, she listened with intent to Dumbledore, although she couldn't for the life of her recall a single phrase he had spoken after it left his lips. And despite her best efforts, Remus was always there in the corner of her eye. Like the sun, she daren't look at him directly, but glimpses showed her that the last month or so had not treated him well. His clothes were shabbier than before, his skin paler, and a hand-sized purple bruise was peeking out from his shirt collar. Her stomach turned. She clasped her hands in front of her to prevent their shaking.

"And finally we have one role to fill." Her brain snapped back into focus. Work, she needed to work.

"We need someone on the inside on the field, close enough to intercept reports, near to Hogwarts for quick action, and with a calm head. The threat to the school will be greater than ever before this year, so be prepared." Dumbledore's blue eyes scanned the group.

Tonks glanced around as well, but she knew it would be her. She needed to get out of London anyway. This was perfect. Her eyes caught Remus's finally, and she saw the pain striking lines across his face. Too late.

She stood up. "Whatever needs to be done, I'll do it."

"You're sure you're up for this Tonks?" Doubt, thy name is Kinsley. She really had more faith in him.

"Of course I am. Who else is ready to take up another position? Molly is needed here. You can't go gallivanting off into Scotland, Dung wouldn't be able to get in anywhere, Snape already has his post, as does Remus." His name slipped so casually off her tongue. "Despite what you all think, I am not crippled. I can still morph, just not as often. I am not stricken with ill health, and I am quick to respond to any danger. You all have relied on me in the past, and you will not treat me like an invalid!" The pent up anger she had bottled up came spitting out in a torrent.

"No-one thinks any less of you my dear." Dumbledore's words were soft, but she saw that none of the other members dared to meet her stare. Even Remus had his gaze turned away.

"Thank you for volunteering. Now I do believe that is all." The chairs scrapped across the floor loudly, and Tonks fled as quickly as she could to the upstairs bathroom.

She faced her reflection in the mirror, grimacing at the dishevelled hair that wafted in half curls around her face. No wonder they all pitied her. She looked terrible. There was nothing pretty about her normal appearance. She was plain, shabby even. How long had it been since she had really looked at her true self in the mirror? For the weeks she had been in this sorry state, she tried not to look too closely when she used her bathroom. She had purposely cast a dust charm to fog her reflection.

But in the cold light of the Weasley's small bathroom she stared, really stared. She needed to see what they saw, what Remus saw. A tantalising voice echoed in her head, saying that of course looking like _this_ only put him off her more. But she squashed that voice.

Sighing, she leaned forward, closing her eyes and resting her face on the cold mirror. Soon she would be away. She needed a task to grasp her, she needed a distraction.

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She was so busy the first month that she didn't realise that it was the full moon until she arrived back to her room at the Hogshead and the eerie light was streaming through the curtains that she forgot to pull shut. She had forgotten, and stubborn though he was, he was out there, alone and hurting. She felt only guilt, and Tonks sunk down, leaning against the heavy wooden door for support.

There she cried for the third time since he had left.

Once upon a time, she organised events and days around the lunar cycle. She would not forget. There would never be a day that she could not recall the exact shade of his eyes, nor the texture of his hair.

It was here she took up pretending. And on those nights with the swollen moon hanging in the sky, she let memories fill her up until she thought she would break. She pretended that she was back in that awfully dark house, waiting with Sirius for the dawn to break.

She would pour two glasses of wine and set them on a table by the window. Then she would climb onto the window sill, nursing one glass, and talk to Sirius.

She would gaze out onto the forest and talk aloud to her cousin. In her minds eye he would lean back in his chair by the table. He looked healthier, much more at ease with life. He didn't have the madness in his eyes, only simple mischievousness. She would speak about her work, her concerns, and listen to his tales about his Marauder days, although he knew that he had told them all to her before. His voice echoed in her head in a distorted way, which she supposed was normal, but she still was able to imagine exactly how he would turn a phrase. As dawn approached, she would hear the basement door open, and Sirius's chair would scrap across cobblestones, not the carpet of her room. Then he would leave to check on Remus, and she would set about cooking breakfast.

She would remain on the windowsill for a while, imagining how she would try, and fail to cook them all fried eggs and sausage. But Remus, propped up on a high backed chair, wouldn't care what he ate. Then Sirius would help him up to bed, and they would disappear from her mind.

Sometimes she really did see them in her tiny room, floating spectres laughing and joking. Sometimes Sirius didn't come, so she would revisit memories of her and Remus. Other times, when she had seen and read about too much horror, she wouldn't speak to her cousin. Her mind would conjure up Sirius, ranting and raving, or just sitting there, sympathetically staring at her. Then he would sit with her as she cried.

In the morning she would wipe her tears, straighten her clothes, drink Sirius's untouched wine on the table, lock her door, and wonder if she was going mad.

One night a month, she let herself fall apart.

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It was December, and she was tramping through the thick snow in her boots. The months had taken on the same pattern and she remained hard at work. There was much to do, from sorting out minor bar quarrels, to chasing Dementors away and keeping the wrong reports reaching the wrong people.

A childish joy stirred inside her when a snowflake fell on her nose. It was Christmas Day, and the students wouldn't be returning for a week or so. She spent the day at her parent's house, declining Molly's invitation because she knew how busy the Burrow would be, and she didn't trust any of the Weasleys to not throw her in a room with Remus. Ginny had displayed that talent more than enough times back in...

But she had apparated back late that night, as she would have an owl waiting outside her window first thing from Dumbledore. Voldemort, it seemed, was a regular scrooge. Not even Christmas would stop his rampage.

She bashed her boots on the mat outside her room, and let herself in.

A creak came from the shadow in the corner. A shadow within shadows moved. With the speed that made her Moody's favourite pupil, her wand was stuck in the hollow of the intruder's throat, and she had a deathly grip on their wand arm.

"I-I'm sorry Dora. I shouldn't have-" a voice stuttered out, and although she recognised Remus's gravelly tones, she didn't let go or step away.

"What were the last words I said to you before you left?" Her voice was hard, her eyes searching. _Please don't let this be a hallucination brought on by the cold and drink and the full moon nights..._

Remus took a rattling breath, but his face was in darkness. "You told me that you wouldn't fight for us forever. And you hoped that it was sooner rather or later that I got over myself and my stupid materialistic reasoning."

Tonk's slowly withdrew her wand, and released his arm. "Yes, well, a good argument if I do say so myself."

There was a silence, and neither of them moved. Then they spoke over each other in a rush to fill the void.

"Would you like-"  
"Dora, I-"

He stepped out of the shadows slighty, "Why don't we sit down."

She nodded, walking to the small settee near the fireplace which was glowing with a few last embers. His cloak was hung on a peg to the side of the fire, and she wondered how long he'd been waiting for. He surprised her again by sitting right next to her.

There were no sounds except their quite breaths, the crackling of the fire, and a steady patter as snow hit her window. He stared at her, and his eyes bore into hers so much it scared her a little. In the dim light from the fire, she saw he looked so much worse than before in the Burrow. His eyes had sunken and lost some of their shine, and there were visible cuts showing from under his shirt collar, stretching to cover his neck. He lowered his eyes when he realised what she was looking at, and swallowed when she reached a timid hand to trace the bruises along his jaw line.

"What have they done to you, Remus." She whispered, forcing the words past a lump in her throat.

"Dora." His voice was broken, and he covered her hand cupping his cheek. "Dora, I know this isn't fair, but I just couldn't... I couldn't not come. I told myself it was an awful idea, but when you weren't at the Burrow I needed to see you were okay. It's all wrong. My argument still stands, and so does yours, but... I can't explain it..."

Gone was the man passing her well thought out sentences and well constructed arguments. Remus was being impulsive for once. All her nights spent wishing for him had finally become reality, and she would be stupid if she wasted this precious time together by arguing with him again.

"I've been so worried about you."

"I've been worried about you too, and if I'm honest, I've been worried about myself as well. The things that go on at the camp, it's truly despicable." He took a deep breath. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

She smiled sadly, "How long until you have to go back?" She knew that he could tell she dodged the question as he gave her hand a tiny squeeze.

"They said we could have two days to visit family, if we had any who would want us." He said bitterly. "I have to travel back tomorrow."

They shared another long silence, both consumed in their own thoughts of the present, and the future. Tonks, after weighing up the implications in her head, decided to act.

"Then we best make use of the time we have now."

She leaned forward slightly, and caught his lips in a light kiss. She pulled back slightly to gauge his reaction, and it was only a heartbeat later that he kissed her back with slightly more force.

And it would hurt terribly in the morning when he left, when she had to see to the owl waiting outside her window. It would be back to business, back to work. The war loomed over them, severing ties. But it had always breathed heavily down their necks, ever since they started this relationship in the dusty house with Sirius playing matchmaker.

However, she didn't care. It was Christmas, and she had Remus for the night whilst the snow swirled outside.

This month, there would be no need for pretending.

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**Sorry it's a bit angsty, I needed to get it out.**

**Reviewers get a night in with Remus by the fire ;)**


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